Babies, Nursery, and 30 Weeks...OH MY!

OH-MAH-GAWD I'm so far behind! I keep telling myself I need to post something but then I remember tthat there are only 3 people who read this blog and they already know everything but then I remind myself again that I truly started this blog to journal my journey. So here I go on a journaling rampage:

I'm 30 weeks. This is a huge deal to me. I feel like Captain Baby-Mamma America with my ass kicking uterine abilities. I can seriously grow some kids! Everything is going extremely well...which I know could change in an instant, so I'm cherishing this lovely time.

Nov 24: This is one way to hide an entire turkey

Besides the tiny evil elves that dwell in my back and like to stab me with sharp objects, I'm having little to complain about. Sure, I'm exhausted and toting around 32 pounds in my mid section is hard, but it's not something I feel like I have the right to moan about. I wanted this, asked for this, paid for this...there is no room for complaint here!

Oh, the babies, you ask? Well they are pretty awesome if I do say so myself. Weighing in at impressive 3 pounds, they enjoy pounding on my bladder, punching each other in the jaw, and tickling my digestive tract. Giggles.

Baby A: He's got moves like Jagger.

Baby B: Still possibly a frog

We are serioulsy ready for these pups. The nursery is done, the clothes are washed, and the swings are batteried. I will ask nicely that they remain situated for a few more weeks, but when they are ready, at least we know they will be ok!

The moose was a requirement from The Dude

And one more picture for giggles sakes:

KANKLES!!!



My babies are bananas: B-A-N-A-N-A-S!

Week: 20 -- We're halfway there!

Babies: 10 Inches = Bananas!









Weight Gain: 15 pounds

Daily Caloric Intake: 2,000+

Daily Fluid Intake: 64+ ounces

Tummy: 36 Inches

Stretch Marks: None

Cravings: Sweets, like I will stab you in the eye if you have chocolate and don't share with me.

My non-attempt to stop the "advice" and comments

So now that I'm "Facebook Official" pregnant, everyone and their mothers decide to give me advice and/or comment on their unsureness of me carrying two children. Literally, some peoples mothers have commented on my Facebook. Here are some examples:


"I had a c-section and it was the best decision ever! You should tell your doctor that you want to have a c-section too!"

"I just don't see how you will hold two babies for much longer!"

"I know a friend of a friend of a friend who had twins and they did things this way or that way so you should do those things too because they are obviously right"


Why can't I just be socially inept and answer how ever the hell I want without consideration for other peoples feelings? But noooo, I have to be the nice person in the situation and say something witty and cute back instead of what I'm really thinking of, "EFF YOU!".

So instead of making myself out to be the asshole in real life, I've decided to move to this blog to throw out my real answers to these numbskulls:

Quasimodo: "I had a c-section and it was the best decision ever! You should tell your doctor that you want to have a c-section too!"
Me: "Besides your complete lack of privacy and social interaction skills, I have a lot of reasons I don't want to respond to you. First off, my birth decisions will not be made off the recommendations of another human. IF my doctor suggests a c-section AT THE TIME OF BIRTH, then I will, of course, opt-in for that. IF my doctor is comfortable with attempting a regular groan-and-push-then scream and push again delivery, then that will be my method of choice. Why would I choose to have a hole the size of the Mercury Way sliced into my abdomen and have my body parts laid on my stomach so they could rip my two cantalope sized babies out of me? Second off, well, there is no second off besides WTF would you think that's your business!?"

Rainman: "I just don't see how you will hold two babies for much longer!"
Me: "Well obviously you are completely uneducated on a womans body. And considering you are a woman, I find that sad and unacceptable. My uterus is no bigger or smaller than yours. Just because you or other women you know have a layer of fat in front of your uterus does not make you any more able to carry a child. My body will cope just fine and EXACTLY the same as every other pregnant womans body does. Dumbass.

Dopey: "I know a friend of a friend of a friend who had twins and they did things this way or that way so you should do those things too because they are obviously right"
Me: "That's such a great idea! I will treat my children exactly the same as your friends friends friend did and I bet my babies will love it soooo much! Maybe your friends friends friend should just videotape their lives so I can watch their every move and do whatever they do. Oh, you're right! I should buy all the products they did and use them even if they give my children hives because it worked for your friends friends friends kid so why wouldn't it work for mine!? THANK YOU FOR THIS LIFE SAVING ADVICE!!!" And then I would say, "Oh didn't I tell you it was hilarious sarcasm day?". And then I would probably finish off by saying, "Asshole".

See, I feel all better now. Sometimes I might find myself saying something to someones face that they will consider rude but I can just smile and move on knowing I can always use the, "I'm sorry, I'm just so cranky and emotional" excuse if there's ever a problem. Being pregnant seriously has it's benefits.

Big Adventures at 17 weeks

No worries, the ultrasound tech came out of our appointment un-scathed. Although they did make me wait FAR too long to hear the genders, we finally got the joyful news of, "They're both boys!". It was like angels singing in my ears. TWO BOYS!!!! That's what we were both hoping for and dreaming of....until I spent the weekend with my pigtailed, painted toed two year old neice. I won't get to fix anybody's hair or paint anybody's toes. Or pick out frilly cute dresses and shoes. *Sigh*
But seriously, I have two healthy growing boys and the word HEALTHY is all I really care about.

GASP! Oh yeah...I felt them move this weekend for the first time! I've been feeling flutters for a couple weeks now but this weekend it was an actual thump which I felt on the outside with my hand.

A-M-A-Z-I-N-G.

Who's the big fattie? I'M THE BIG FATTIE!!!

I am so proud of my ginormous bulging tummy!

I look at it, rub it, hold it, and pat it pretty much all hours of every day. I have never felt so beautiful in all my life! I know that sounds silly, but I have waited oh-mah-god so long for this so you can't blame me, right? The dude loves the belly too. He likes to examine it and makes me stand with my shirt up while cooking dinner or watching tv. So sweet, eh? I like him.

I have an appointment in two days to hopefully* find out the sexes. I am so flipping excited I can barely stand it. My entire work days are filled with baby thoughts. I might as well give up at life until Friday because I cannot cope with anything else right now.

*The word "Hopefully" in this sentance was used with the following definition: If the eff-ing ultrasound techs try to tell me they can't see the genitals of the babies, I will take the wand and shove it up their ass and tell them the gender of their intestines.

Funny tidbit: My boss has started calling them Mutt and Jeff. If it's two boys, that just might stick.

SECOND TRIMESTER!! Holy sh*t!

It's true. This is no joke. I am in the second trimester. It has never occured to me that this moment would actually happen. I mean, obviously I've known I was pregnant for the last 9 weeks, but I never allowed myself to imagine I would get to this point.

Both my babies are kicking ass and taking names and they don't appear to be the kind of fetuses that end their mission prematurely. They are both measuring a few days ahead and growing like steroid junkies. They have very different personalites already, although I don't know if it will stick. They've still got a lot of time to adjust their attitudes before mom has to do it for them.

BABY A: She's either lazy or extremely chill
   So I'm calling Baby A a girl right now. Don't get excited, we don't know yet. She's very laid back and actually allows the ultrasound tech to study her and hear her heartbeat.

BABY B: He's a circus monkey
   You get the picture: "she" and "he" are obviously what I'm hoping for. This little guy was extremely opposite of his sister. He was flailing his limbs and bopping his head around. He refused to participate in the ultrasound and made it impossible for anyone to hear his heart. Such a rotten little boy, right? We had a serious discussion afterwards about his attitude and cooperation during these appointments. We've got another ultrasound at 17 weeks and I swear he is going to cooperate so I can find out their sexes on that day or else he will be on dog poop duty from the day he is birthed. He pretended to care, but I don't feel like he was genuine at all.

Welp, there you go. An exciting update. Go ahead and send me gifts for making it to the phantom Second Trimester.

My Wee Babes Look Like Real Babes!

It's official...I am no longer carrying alien amphibian fetuses. THEY ARE REAL BABIES NOW!

[Insert cheers and applause here]

I am 9 weeks and the babies have officially graduated to fetuses. Last week they were merely embryos. *Sigh* They are growing up so fast.

Check out the change for yourself:

                    

They totally look like babies now, right?



9 weeks has been treating me good. I've felt much better the last few days and haven't had to take a nap in my car during work hours all week! That feels like a huge accomplishment. I've got to wait four, YES 4!, weeks for my next appointment which is crazy compared to the weekly pampering I've been receiving lately. The good thing I have to report is that I will most likely be getting an ultrasound at every visit. Most ladies only get two their entire pregnancy so I feel spoiled! My clinic doesn't do sex scans until 20 weeks and that feels like a millennium away...but don't worry, there will be some complaining and begging on my part to try and bump that a few weeks. I'm thinking 17 weeks would be acceptable.

Baby Pictures, get used to em'!

Ultrasound numero dos was on June 28. Both babes are looking great with strong heartbeats. I was considered 7 weeks 5 days and Baby A measured exactly that. Baby B measured 7w6d. These two are growing like wildfire, I tell you!

Two little monkeys jumping on the bed...er, in mommies uterus

Yes, that's right folks: TWO! Yesterday (June 20) was our first ultrasound at 6 weeks 5 days. It was beautiful and breathtaking seeing two little tiny persons with two big huge heartbeats. Baby A is buried in farther back so we couldn't hear it's heartbeat, but we say it pumping away like mad. Baby B's heart was heard loud and clear! Victor and I just sat there in awe for most of the time, not really saying anything. At the end, the Doctor says, "So, um, are you going to celebrate now?". We both just sat there staring at our perfect little ultrasound picture and said, "Er, maybe". IT'S STILL SCARY, MR. DOC, LEAVE US BE!

Our due date is February 8 but no one expects me to make it that far. The Doctor told us to expect anytime around Christmas. Normal twin gestational period is 35 weeks instead of the normal 40 for a singleton. I'm going to do whatever I can to keep these munchkins in for as long as possible. If I have to lay in bed and pee in a pan for 6 months, I'll do it! There is nothing more important than the health of these two and I will make every sacrifice known to man to assure their safety.

Check out my babes, yo's:

I'm not going back, DAMNIT!

I'm pregnant and that's it. I'm not going back to that non-pregnant stuff from before. I have been begging God, the Universe, whoever will listen, to PLEASE let this/these embryo(s) grow and be safe and healthy. Hell, I'll even take semi healthy. What, you want me to spend some time in the NICU with a baby who can't breathe on it's own? I'LL TAKE IT! But I am not loosing this pregnancy. Not. Not. Not.

HEY! Let's talk about pregnancy things. FUN! So I'm 5 weeks pregnant. 5 WEEKS!!! Holy hell that is so exciting. I have to wait two whole weeks to hear a heartbeat and/or see the filled-with-baby sac. That seems like such a long wait and I am constantly thinking about how far away it is. During my two week wait I plan to rub my tummy and smile constantly.

Speaking of tummy, mine is huge. I'm bloated like you would not believe. What, don't believe me? Here's proof:

*Sorry about the picture quality but taking a picture of your own tummy is a difficult angle.

But seriously, are you freaking kidding me? I am 5 weeks pregnant and can't fit in ANYTHING. I feel like I could easily explode at any moment. I just read today that I should avoid salty foods...Done. Don't get me wrong, I love this early showing, but I'm not ready for random people to know yet. This belly makes that slightly difficult. People definitly have noticed my "weight gain". A friend at work who knows what we are going through told me I was fat yesterday...in a joking manner obvioulsy. But he definitely noticed that bulge I've got going on, which means others have noticed it too.

But serioulsy...I'M PREGNANT FOR REAL!!!!

Tickle me Zelda

The Universe loves to tickle me with coincidences

Highway Billboards

While driving the three hours to my appointment in Kansas City today, I passed by a
billboard that looked something like this:

It got me thinking, I've been considering stealing a child in the grocery store...GASP! Maybe I should create a billboard for the highway! YES!

Why haven't I thought of this before? I could get all kinds of babies! RAH HA HAH!

These...are the days of our lives

The emotional rollercoaster of infertility is
inexplainable. Pregnancy hormones last 40 weeks
whereas the hormones of infertility last for years.

The diaper aisle of the grocery store turns you
into a whimpering woman with a cart full of bananas
and milk.

Seeing your embryos on a tv screen before transfer
puts a joy so great in the deepest valleys of your
heart that you fear it will spill out onto the table
into your Doctors hands.

Being around fertiles and their beautiful offspring
offers pain so unbearable you consider stealing
their infant and heading for the border.

If you're feeling confused by what I mean, I've made some illustrations of the most common infertility emotions:

Hysteria:

Happiness/Optimism:

 Sadness/Pain (for me, the most commonly felt):

Fed Up:

Exhausted: 

Absolutely Pissed: 



I said it was inexplainable, but I never said it

was non-illustratable! 

Charlie Sheen helped me move on from my miscarriage

Miscarrying my 5 week old embryo was terrifying and miserable. I am a lucky girl, though, as I have a super supportive husband, mother and sister who will let me say the most disgusting things and not even flinch. I also have a sister-in-law who has unfortunaley been through the devastation and was able to lend some words of advice.  I finally got through the process and, although I will never forget my little munchkin that I lost, I am ready to start anew.

As most of us infertile women have done, I went to the internet determined to find good news about this whole thing. I Googled, “How long after a miscarriage to get pregnant again” and I made myself much happier when I found sources that claim since my body already has all the pregnancy hormones, it should be fairly simple to get pregnant again. Thank you internet! That’s what I wanted to hear!

I then found a site about trolls and got distracted: http://www.trolls.com/

DAMNIT CHARLIE SHEEN! DO YOU SEE WHAT YOU HAVE CAUSED? Now I'm obsessed with Trolls and Warlocks. Actually, I should thank him for giving me something to obsess over rather than babies, babies, babies.

Pain

We found out yesterday that my pregnancy isn't viable. I handled the news by dramatically sliding down the wall of a public bathroom followed by complete hysteria while curled in a tiny ball on the disgusting bathroom floor. After I pulled myself together enough to make it to my office, I gathered my things and went home to spend the rest of the day in a tiny ball on my couch. There are so many words I could use to describe my feelings but the first that come to mind are pissed, emtpy, and emotionally drained. Do I want to do this again? I don't know if I can handle this process over and over again.


They tell me to expect a miscarriage soon. How exactly am I supposed to "expect" a miscarriage? I know a miscarriage is not my fault and there's nothing I did to cause it but I still can't help being angry with my body for letting these perfect embryos go to waste. My lining was prime, the embryos were perfect and they stuck. How could all that change withing a matter of days? My babies had spines and their organs were developing. I should of heard their heartbeats next week.


I tried to think of something positive to say to end this but that's just not working out for me right now. Hopefully positive will come sooner than later.

My troll husband gets to stab me, literally

I'm going to tell you a little story about some joyous injections containing Progesterone in Oil...and by joyous I mean a group of trolls having a luncheon of me while I was still alive, writhing in pain, would be MUCH better than Progesterone injections. Anyway, here's the story:

Once upon a time there was a woman who wanted babies so her husband stabbed a monstrous needle deep into the muscles of her butt every day. That's what she said. She started walking funny because the muscles hurt so bad from being brutally penetrated everyday. Ooo I can't help it, that's what she said. Anyway, sorry, the moral of the story is: THEY SUCK!

I wish I could add another troll analogy here but I feel like I've overdone my allowed troll usage for one day (I called my dude a troll earlier). GASP! I SHOULD DRAW A PICTURE OF A TROLL!

I got bored and started thinking about BABIES so I'm sorry about not providing a body.

Do you see what the "two week wait" does to us IVF'd women? You think having a baby inside you takes away all your abilities to think clearly? Psh. Try having two beautiful embryos placed inside your uncharted uterus and told to wait two weeks to know if you're own body ate them for breakfast. IT'S AWFUL! I have 5 more days. Expect more troll pictures.

Family and friends make the world go round

I recieved this adorable bracelet in the mail today from a good friend:

The green Aventurine stone is a lucky stone with a positive influence over growth and fertility

The black Moonstone in the middle promotes love, hope, and fertility

The turtle is a symbol of fertility and vitality

I can't explain the love and support we feel surrounded with. Today, the day of embryo transfer, I think I got at least 20 texts from friends and family sending well wishes our way.


You guys are wonderful!

Glorious Happiness

I know that a lot can happen in the next couple of days,
but I am allowing myself to feel pure joy for right now.
All four of my embryos fertilized and are multiplying. It
is completely possible that on Monday I will be pregnant.
I could finally hold my sweet baby(ies) in my arms in
November. It is SO nice to have this relief and these new
possibilities. Today, we celebrate. No matter what
happens next, this day is good and deserves
some recognition.

A Narrative Poem from Me to You...and some needle pictures

There was a doctor up north

From the town that we live

She told us that babies

Our bodies would not easily give

She gave us some tests,

Poked and prodded until we bled

Then she suggested we try IVF

And "YAY!", I got to be put on a bunch of meds

Now here I stand, needle in hand

Wondering where I'll get the courage to stab this thing through

"Quit being a baby", I tell myself,

"Or raising a kid is what you'll never get to do"

Don’t fret, I’ll give you all autographs when I’m famous.

The actual point of this post (besides the amazing poem) is to provide an explanation for all you curious cats who ask me a hundred questions about my suppression medications.

Fact 1: I am now administering a drug called Lupron to myself…and by “administering” I mean “stabbing a needle into my stomach”

Fact 2: I am also taking a low dose steroid, so don’t be all surprised when I end up looking like Popeye in a couple weeks

Fact 3: I have never had chicken pox.

What? You don't find that relevant to my baby drama? Well this is my blog and I can do what I want.

Hey! Check out these pictures of me stabbing myself in the stomach:

 Here, I am drawing up 10 units of Lupron

Here, I am stabbing myself in the stomach

Here, I am punching my dude in the stomach for not being more sympathetic about having to stab myself in the stomach**

**Important Tidbit: This is made up. The Dude is incredibly sympathetic and is actually the one who has to stab me because I'm too chicken to do it myself. I really did try today, though. I got the tip into the skin a little but couldn't gather enough courage to push hard enough to penetrate the skin. The students on "Grey's Anatomy" practice on each other, so I just need to convince a family member to let me practice on them. 

The Hard Days

This process is agonizingly hard. One of my major goals through all this, besides birthing a child, is to keep a level head and not allow my easily triggered emotions to go raging out of control. So far I've done fairly well. My dude is so calm and supportive and makes it easier to cope.

Sometimes though, mostly at night,  it hits me. The pangs of my uterine emptiness resinate within my heart and mind and nothing else in the world matters. I lie in bed at night crying while thinking of all the women lucky enough to feel the life growing within them and it makes me so jealous, hurt, mad. What did I do to the universe to deserve such cruelty? I have everything I could ever want: a great job, a beautiful house, a handsome and smart husband. But besides the husband, I never asked for any of these things. The only thing I have ever desperately wanted in life is a family. I'll gladly give up all of my possessions for a shot at motherhood. JUST GIVE ME A CHANCE, AT LEAST!

I can say, though, that I am thankful for the lack of jealousy against my close family/friends who are blessed with beautiful children. I read about and hear a lot of women say they can't feel happy for those around them and some of these women will sever relationships because of a pregnancy. When my sister-in-law told us of her pregnancy after 3 months of marriage, I embraced it. I dove headfirst into her pregnancy and feel so blessed to have a beautiful 5 month old baby in my life. Any baby is better than no baby, right? I may have gone home and cried after the first time I babysat her alone, but it's still better than nothing.

I do find it easier to feel happy for women who went through some sort of child bearing hardship, though. When my sister got pregnant two years ago, I never felt any jealousy towards her because she completely deserved it. She had been through so much and it was her time. If she called me today and said she was pregnant again, I would be elated. The one time I heard a friend say "Oh, we started trying in October and got pregnant...in October" was hard, and although I wanted to say "Screw you", I still felt happy for her.

Those are the feelings that I vow to continue having, no matter what happens on my own journey. So if anytime in the future I write about some negative feeling I have towards a pregnant chick, you can remind me of my vow.

Seriously, what did you just say?

During the past many months I have been delving into the infertility blogging/forum world. I belong to an forum that allieviates my emotional needs and connects me with other couples going through this stupidity. Here's the deal, though: I can't logically read or understand anyone's posts. It is like reading my dude's computer development notes. Silly man, those letters and numbers stringed together don't make words or any sense. Here is an example of what I'm talking about:

-b/w on 6dp5dt (11dpER) - p4 = 19
POAS 9dp5dt (14dpER) - BFP!

Um, excuse me? It took me like 3 months to learn that code. Why couldn't the sentance "My pregnancy bloodwork came back positive on the 9th day after egg transfer!!!" be sufficient? This reminds me of my 13 year old neice typing "r u fo sho cumin 2 tha game?". SERIOUSLY? JUST TYPE OUT THE SENTANCE LIKE A NORMAL LITERATE HUMAN BEING!

Basically all I'm saying is that the infertility code talk is stupid and I refuse to use it. Believe me, if I ever pee on a stick and it's positive, it will not be a "Guess what guys, it's BFP!"...there will be pictures, a pie chart, glitter, flying unicorns and tiramisu cake.

The Cost of a Non-Existent Baby

JIMINEE CHRISTMAS THESE PEOPLE MUST HAVE MAD COW DISEASE! Remember those times I made the statement of a “$10,000 test tube baby”? Well, ha, psh, that was wishful thinking, apparently. We had our IVF consult on Wednesday and BOOM they throw $25,500 out on the table…they need this money UP FRONT they say.

…

…

That was a moment of silence for our now hastily departing monetary gain we have accumulated over the years. All these years of saving was supposed to go towards our two month tour of Italy or new wood floors and a master bathroom renovation.  *Sigh*

With that being said, I’m still not complaining. I feel it is a good investment as the same amount was spent on my college education and my car. My firstborn is surely worth the same, possibly a little more, than my car, right?

Um, you're welcome? I think.

Operation Baby

This life process is a turd.  Everything  was supposed to go in coherent consecutive steps based on completely realistic expectations learned in childhood:

PHASE 1: Go to a prestigious college

PHASE 2: Meet handsome prince charming and ride off into sunset

PHASE 3: Become CEO of a major corporation at age 25 using the intellectual skills gained at my prestigious college

PHASE 4: Marry prince, buy a house in the Hamptons and a villa in Italy, purchase a certified pedigreed pooch

PHASE 5: Accidentally procreate from all the non-stop hot and sweaty fornication happening throughout the house

PHASE 6: Grow old in a castles (plural) with the prince.

If Barbie can do it, SO CAN I!

Ok, so here’s how it really happened:

PHASE 1: Went to an average college…errr…okay let’s be honest. I skipped most, if not all, of college

PHASE 2: I met my handsome dude and we galloped around towards the setting sun in a glorious haze of happiness. There may or may not have been alcohol involved in our glorious haze.

PHASE 3: I landed the highly regarded position of Office Manager using the intellectual skills gained by sleeping through most, if not all, of my college courses

PHASE 4: We married, we bought a cute house, and we adopted a mutt…best mutt ever if I do say so myself

PHASE 5: I’ll skip the stories of fornication. Obviously no wee babes were created.

PHASE 6: Men think about sex every 7 seconds, I think about babies every 3

PHASE 7: Pay some doctors $10,000 for a baby from a tube. Hooray!

Here’s where this blog comes in. Phase 7 of REAL life: IVF… In Vitro Fertilization, commonly known as test tube baby (my personal favorite if you haven’t figured that out by now). I’m not complaining though. The fact that medicine is so advanced that they can actually create a baby with our DNA outside of my body is incredible.  Frustrating that it has to come to that, but no point in wishing for the impossible.  Anyway, my point is that I am writing this blog to document our infertility treatment, which happens to be IVF at this point. I am also writing this because I want to document all this CRAP for my future self. Right now the idea of a screaming baby at 3 am is absolutely marvelous..I would do ANYTHING for a screaming baby…but I can only imagine that in real life that would not be marvelous. SO while my inconsolable infant in screaming at all hours of the night, I can refer back to this blog and say “Oh that’s right, I BEGGED for this!” Then my body will relax and produce magic milk and my wee babe will sleep all through the night. Also, once the fertility gods cast their divine seeds into my awaiting uterus, I will use this blog as documentation of all things pregnancy and, following that, all things baby.