My non-attempt to stop the "advice" and comments

So now that I'm "Facebook Official" pregnant, everyone and their mothers decide to give me advice and/or comment on their unsureness of me carrying two children. Literally, some peoples mothers have commented on my Facebook. Here are some examples:


"I had a c-section and it was the best decision ever! You should tell your doctor that you want to have a c-section too!"

"I just don't see how you will hold two babies for much longer!"

"I know a friend of a friend of a friend who had twins and they did things this way or that way so you should do those things too because they are obviously right"


Why can't I just be socially inept and answer how ever the hell I want without consideration for other peoples feelings? But noooo, I have to be the nice person in the situation and say something witty and cute back instead of what I'm really thinking of, "EFF YOU!".

So instead of making myself out to be the asshole in real life, I've decided to move to this blog to throw out my real answers to these numbskulls:

Quasimodo: "I had a c-section and it was the best decision ever! You should tell your doctor that you want to have a c-section too!"
Me: "Besides your complete lack of privacy and social interaction skills, I have a lot of reasons I don't want to respond to you. First off, my birth decisions will not be made off the recommendations of another human. IF my doctor suggests a c-section AT THE TIME OF BIRTH, then I will, of course, opt-in for that. IF my doctor is comfortable with attempting a regular groan-and-push-then scream and push again delivery, then that will be my method of choice. Why would I choose to have a hole the size of the Mercury Way sliced into my abdomen and have my body parts laid on my stomach so they could rip my two cantalope sized babies out of me? Second off, well, there is no second off besides WTF would you think that's your business!?"

Rainman: "I just don't see how you will hold two babies for much longer!"
Me: "Well obviously you are completely uneducated on a womans body. And considering you are a woman, I find that sad and unacceptable. My uterus is no bigger or smaller than yours. Just because you or other women you know have a layer of fat in front of your uterus does not make you any more able to carry a child. My body will cope just fine and EXACTLY the same as every other pregnant womans body does. Dumbass.

Dopey: "I know a friend of a friend of a friend who had twins and they did things this way or that way so you should do those things too because they are obviously right"
Me: "That's such a great idea! I will treat my children exactly the same as your friends friends friend did and I bet my babies will love it soooo much! Maybe your friends friends friend should just videotape their lives so I can watch their every move and do whatever they do. Oh, you're right! I should buy all the products they did and use them even if they give my children hives because it worked for your friends friends friends kid so why wouldn't it work for mine!? THANK YOU FOR THIS LIFE SAVING ADVICE!!!" And then I would say, "Oh didn't I tell you it was hilarious sarcasm day?". And then I would probably finish off by saying, "Asshole".

See, I feel all better now. Sometimes I might find myself saying something to someones face that they will consider rude but I can just smile and move on knowing I can always use the, "I'm sorry, I'm just so cranky and emotional" excuse if there's ever a problem. Being pregnant seriously has it's benefits.

SECOND TRIMESTER!! Holy sh*t!

It's true. This is no joke. I am in the second trimester. It has never occured to me that this moment would actually happen. I mean, obviously I've known I was pregnant for the last 9 weeks, but I never allowed myself to imagine I would get to this point.

Both my babies are kicking ass and taking names and they don't appear to be the kind of fetuses that end their mission prematurely. They are both measuring a few days ahead and growing like steroid junkies. They have very different personalites already, although I don't know if it will stick. They've still got a lot of time to adjust their attitudes before mom has to do it for them.

BABY A: She's either lazy or extremely chill
   So I'm calling Baby A a girl right now. Don't get excited, we don't know yet. She's very laid back and actually allows the ultrasound tech to study her and hear her heartbeat.

BABY B: He's a circus monkey
   You get the picture: "she" and "he" are obviously what I'm hoping for. This little guy was extremely opposite of his sister. He was flailing his limbs and bopping his head around. He refused to participate in the ultrasound and made it impossible for anyone to hear his heart. Such a rotten little boy, right? We had a serious discussion afterwards about his attitude and cooperation during these appointments. We've got another ultrasound at 17 weeks and I swear he is going to cooperate so I can find out their sexes on that day or else he will be on dog poop duty from the day he is birthed. He pretended to care, but I don't feel like he was genuine at all.

Welp, there you go. An exciting update. Go ahead and send me gifts for making it to the phantom Second Trimester.