The Hard Days

This process is agonizingly hard. One of my major goals through all this, besides birthing a child, is to keep a level head and not allow my easily triggered emotions to go raging out of control. So far I've done fairly well. My dude is so calm and supportive and makes it easier to cope.

Sometimes though, mostly at night,  it hits me. The pangs of my uterine emptiness resinate within my heart and mind and nothing else in the world matters. I lie in bed at night crying while thinking of all the women lucky enough to feel the life growing within them and it makes me so jealous, hurt, mad. What did I do to the universe to deserve such cruelty? I have everything I could ever want: a great job, a beautiful house, a handsome and smart husband. But besides the husband, I never asked for any of these things. The only thing I have ever desperately wanted in life is a family. I'll gladly give up all of my possessions for a shot at motherhood. JUST GIVE ME A CHANCE, AT LEAST!

I can say, though, that I am thankful for the lack of jealousy against my close family/friends who are blessed with beautiful children. I read about and hear a lot of women say they can't feel happy for those around them and some of these women will sever relationships because of a pregnancy. When my sister-in-law told us of her pregnancy after 3 months of marriage, I embraced it. I dove headfirst into her pregnancy and feel so blessed to have a beautiful 5 month old baby in my life. Any baby is better than no baby, right? I may have gone home and cried after the first time I babysat her alone, but it's still better than nothing.

I do find it easier to feel happy for women who went through some sort of child bearing hardship, though. When my sister got pregnant two years ago, I never felt any jealousy towards her because she completely deserved it. She had been through so much and it was her time. If she called me today and said she was pregnant again, I would be elated. The one time I heard a friend say "Oh, we started trying in October and got pregnant...in October" was hard, and although I wanted to say "Screw you", I still felt happy for her.

Those are the feelings that I vow to continue having, no matter what happens on my own journey. So if anytime in the future I write about some negative feeling I have towards a pregnant chick, you can remind me of my vow.