The Hard Days

This process is agonizingly hard. One of my major goals through all this, besides birthing a child, is to keep a level head and not allow my easily triggered emotions to go raging out of control. So far I've done fairly well. My dude is so calm and supportive and makes it easier to cope.

Sometimes though, mostly at night,  it hits me. The pangs of my uterine emptiness resinate within my heart and mind and nothing else in the world matters. I lie in bed at night crying while thinking of all the women lucky enough to feel the life growing within them and it makes me so jealous, hurt, mad. What did I do to the universe to deserve such cruelty? I have everything I could ever want: a great job, a beautiful house, a handsome and smart husband. But besides the husband, I never asked for any of these things. The only thing I have ever desperately wanted in life is a family. I'll gladly give up all of my possessions for a shot at motherhood. JUST GIVE ME A CHANCE, AT LEAST!

I can say, though, that I am thankful for the lack of jealousy against my close family/friends who are blessed with beautiful children. I read about and hear a lot of women say they can't feel happy for those around them and some of these women will sever relationships because of a pregnancy. When my sister-in-law told us of her pregnancy after 3 months of marriage, I embraced it. I dove headfirst into her pregnancy and feel so blessed to have a beautiful 5 month old baby in my life. Any baby is better than no baby, right? I may have gone home and cried after the first time I babysat her alone, but it's still better than nothing.

I do find it easier to feel happy for women who went through some sort of child bearing hardship, though. When my sister got pregnant two years ago, I never felt any jealousy towards her because she completely deserved it. She had been through so much and it was her time. If she called me today and said she was pregnant again, I would be elated. The one time I heard a friend say "Oh, we started trying in October and got pregnant...in October" was hard, and although I wanted to say "Screw you", I still felt happy for her.

Those are the feelings that I vow to continue having, no matter what happens on my own journey. So if anytime in the future I write about some negative feeling I have towards a pregnant chick, you can remind me of my vow.

Seriously, what did you just say?

During the past many months I have been delving into the infertility blogging/forum world. I belong to an forum that allieviates my emotional needs and connects me with other couples going through this stupidity. Here's the deal, though: I can't logically read or understand anyone's posts. It is like reading my dude's computer development notes. Silly man, those letters and numbers stringed together don't make words or any sense. Here is an example of what I'm talking about:

-b/w on 6dp5dt (11dpER) - p4 = 19
POAS 9dp5dt (14dpER) - BFP!

Um, excuse me? It took me like 3 months to learn that code. Why couldn't the sentance "My pregnancy bloodwork came back positive on the 9th day after egg transfer!!!" be sufficient? This reminds me of my 13 year old neice typing "r u fo sho cumin 2 tha game?". SERIOUSLY? JUST TYPE OUT THE SENTANCE LIKE A NORMAL LITERATE HUMAN BEING!

Basically all I'm saying is that the infertility code talk is stupid and I refuse to use it. Believe me, if I ever pee on a stick and it's positive, it will not be a "Guess what guys, it's BFP!"...there will be pictures, a pie chart, glitter, flying unicorns and tiramisu cake.

The Cost of a Non-Existent Baby

JIMINEE CHRISTMAS THESE PEOPLE MUST HAVE MAD COW DISEASE! Remember those times I made the statement of a “$10,000 test tube baby”? Well, ha, psh, that was wishful thinking, apparently. We had our IVF consult on Wednesday and BOOM they throw $25,500 out on the table…they need this money UP FRONT they say.

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That was a moment of silence for our now hastily departing monetary gain we have accumulated over the years. All these years of saving was supposed to go towards our two month tour of Italy or new wood floors and a master bathroom renovation.  *Sigh*

With that being said, I’m still not complaining. I feel it is a good investment as the same amount was spent on my college education and my car. My firstborn is surely worth the same, possibly a little more, than my car, right?

Um, you're welcome? I think.

Operation Baby

This life process is a turd.  Everything  was supposed to go in coherent consecutive steps based on completely realistic expectations learned in childhood:

PHASE 1: Go to a prestigious college

PHASE 2: Meet handsome prince charming and ride off into sunset

PHASE 3: Become CEO of a major corporation at age 25 using the intellectual skills gained at my prestigious college

PHASE 4: Marry prince, buy a house in the Hamptons and a villa in Italy, purchase a certified pedigreed pooch

PHASE 5: Accidentally procreate from all the non-stop hot and sweaty fornication happening throughout the house

PHASE 6: Grow old in a castles (plural) with the prince.

If Barbie can do it, SO CAN I!

Ok, so here’s how it really happened:

PHASE 1: Went to an average college…errr…okay let’s be honest. I skipped most, if not all, of college

PHASE 2: I met my handsome dude and we galloped around towards the setting sun in a glorious haze of happiness. There may or may not have been alcohol involved in our glorious haze.

PHASE 3: I landed the highly regarded position of Office Manager using the intellectual skills gained by sleeping through most, if not all, of my college courses

PHASE 4: We married, we bought a cute house, and we adopted a mutt…best mutt ever if I do say so myself

PHASE 5: I’ll skip the stories of fornication. Obviously no wee babes were created.

PHASE 6: Men think about sex every 7 seconds, I think about babies every 3

PHASE 7: Pay some doctors $10,000 for a baby from a tube. Hooray!

Here’s where this blog comes in. Phase 7 of REAL life: IVF… In Vitro Fertilization, commonly known as test tube baby (my personal favorite if you haven’t figured that out by now). I’m not complaining though. The fact that medicine is so advanced that they can actually create a baby with our DNA outside of my body is incredible.  Frustrating that it has to come to that, but no point in wishing for the impossible.  Anyway, my point is that I am writing this blog to document our infertility treatment, which happens to be IVF at this point. I am also writing this because I want to document all this CRAP for my future self. Right now the idea of a screaming baby at 3 am is absolutely marvelous..I would do ANYTHING for a screaming baby…but I can only imagine that in real life that would not be marvelous. SO while my inconsolable infant in screaming at all hours of the night, I can refer back to this blog and say “Oh that’s right, I BEGGED for this!” Then my body will relax and produce magic milk and my wee babe will sleep all through the night. Also, once the fertility gods cast their divine seeds into my awaiting uterus, I will use this blog as documentation of all things pregnancy and, following that, all things baby.