These...are the days of our lives

The emotional rollercoaster of infertility is
inexplainable. Pregnancy hormones last 40 weeks
whereas the hormones of infertility last for years.

The diaper aisle of the grocery store turns you
into a whimpering woman with a cart full of bananas
and milk.

Seeing your embryos on a tv screen before transfer
puts a joy so great in the deepest valleys of your
heart that you fear it will spill out onto the table
into your Doctors hands.

Being around fertiles and their beautiful offspring
offers pain so unbearable you consider stealing
their infant and heading for the border.

If you're feeling confused by what I mean, I've made some illustrations of the most common infertility emotions:

Hysteria:

Happiness/Optimism:

 Sadness/Pain (for me, the most commonly felt):

Fed Up:

Exhausted: 

Absolutely Pissed: 



I said it was inexplainable, but I never said it

was non-illustratable! 

Charlie Sheen helped me move on from my miscarriage

Miscarrying my 5 week old embryo was terrifying and miserable. I am a lucky girl, though, as I have a super supportive husband, mother and sister who will let me say the most disgusting things and not even flinch. I also have a sister-in-law who has unfortunaley been through the devastation and was able to lend some words of advice.  I finally got through the process and, although I will never forget my little munchkin that I lost, I am ready to start anew.

As most of us infertile women have done, I went to the internet determined to find good news about this whole thing. I Googled, “How long after a miscarriage to get pregnant again” and I made myself much happier when I found sources that claim since my body already has all the pregnancy hormones, it should be fairly simple to get pregnant again. Thank you internet! That’s what I wanted to hear!

I then found a site about trolls and got distracted: http://www.trolls.com/

DAMNIT CHARLIE SHEEN! DO YOU SEE WHAT YOU HAVE CAUSED? Now I'm obsessed with Trolls and Warlocks. Actually, I should thank him for giving me something to obsess over rather than babies, babies, babies.

Pain

We found out yesterday that my pregnancy isn't viable. I handled the news by dramatically sliding down the wall of a public bathroom followed by complete hysteria while curled in a tiny ball on the disgusting bathroom floor. After I pulled myself together enough to make it to my office, I gathered my things and went home to spend the rest of the day in a tiny ball on my couch. There are so many words I could use to describe my feelings but the first that come to mind are pissed, emtpy, and emotionally drained. Do I want to do this again? I don't know if I can handle this process over and over again.


They tell me to expect a miscarriage soon. How exactly am I supposed to "expect" a miscarriage? I know a miscarriage is not my fault and there's nothing I did to cause it but I still can't help being angry with my body for letting these perfect embryos go to waste. My lining was prime, the embryos were perfect and they stuck. How could all that change withing a matter of days? My babies had spines and their organs were developing. I should of heard their heartbeats next week.


I tried to think of something positive to say to end this but that's just not working out for me right now. Hopefully positive will come sooner than later.

My troll husband gets to stab me, literally

I'm going to tell you a little story about some joyous injections containing Progesterone in Oil...and by joyous I mean a group of trolls having a luncheon of me while I was still alive, writhing in pain, would be MUCH better than Progesterone injections. Anyway, here's the story:

Once upon a time there was a woman who wanted babies so her husband stabbed a monstrous needle deep into the muscles of her butt every day. That's what she said. She started walking funny because the muscles hurt so bad from being brutally penetrated everyday. Ooo I can't help it, that's what she said. Anyway, sorry, the moral of the story is: THEY SUCK!

I wish I could add another troll analogy here but I feel like I've overdone my allowed troll usage for one day (I called my dude a troll earlier). GASP! I SHOULD DRAW A PICTURE OF A TROLL!

I got bored and started thinking about BABIES so I'm sorry about not providing a body.

Do you see what the "two week wait" does to us IVF'd women? You think having a baby inside you takes away all your abilities to think clearly? Psh. Try having two beautiful embryos placed inside your uncharted uterus and told to wait two weeks to know if you're own body ate them for breakfast. IT'S AWFUL! I have 5 more days. Expect more troll pictures.

Family and friends make the world go round

I recieved this adorable bracelet in the mail today from a good friend:

The green Aventurine stone is a lucky stone with a positive influence over growth and fertility

The black Moonstone in the middle promotes love, hope, and fertility

The turtle is a symbol of fertility and vitality

I can't explain the love and support we feel surrounded with. Today, the day of embryo transfer, I think I got at least 20 texts from friends and family sending well wishes our way.


You guys are wonderful!

Glorious Happiness

I know that a lot can happen in the next couple of days,
but I am allowing myself to feel pure joy for right now.
All four of my embryos fertilized and are multiplying. It
is completely possible that on Monday I will be pregnant.
I could finally hold my sweet baby(ies) in my arms in
November. It is SO nice to have this relief and these new
possibilities. Today, we celebrate. No matter what
happens next, this day is good and deserves
some recognition.

A Narrative Poem from Me to You...and some needle pictures

There was a doctor up north

From the town that we live

She told us that babies

Our bodies would not easily give

She gave us some tests,

Poked and prodded until we bled

Then she suggested we try IVF

And "YAY!", I got to be put on a bunch of meds

Now here I stand, needle in hand

Wondering where I'll get the courage to stab this thing through

"Quit being a baby", I tell myself,

"Or raising a kid is what you'll never get to do"

Don’t fret, I’ll give you all autographs when I’m famous.

The actual point of this post (besides the amazing poem) is to provide an explanation for all you curious cats who ask me a hundred questions about my suppression medications.

Fact 1: I am now administering a drug called Lupron to myself…and by “administering” I mean “stabbing a needle into my stomach”

Fact 2: I am also taking a low dose steroid, so don’t be all surprised when I end up looking like Popeye in a couple weeks

Fact 3: I have never had chicken pox.

What? You don't find that relevant to my baby drama? Well this is my blog and I can do what I want.

Hey! Check out these pictures of me stabbing myself in the stomach:

 Here, I am drawing up 10 units of Lupron

Here, I am stabbing myself in the stomach

Here, I am punching my dude in the stomach for not being more sympathetic about having to stab myself in the stomach**

**Important Tidbit: This is made up. The Dude is incredibly sympathetic and is actually the one who has to stab me because I'm too chicken to do it myself. I really did try today, though. I got the tip into the skin a little but couldn't gather enough courage to push hard enough to penetrate the skin. The students on "Grey's Anatomy" practice on each other, so I just need to convince a family member to let me practice on them.